♥. Just a little early...

Happy Anniversary.

I used to think that I could be better

Or that we could be better.

But I find that the more these kinds of situations come up, the more tired I am.  And I believe less and less, especially when through these ordeals I'm being told that that's just how they are as a person.  It's such a commitment to the self.  It's such an unproductive, not progressive, useless, self centered statement.

When you are in relationship, it's not about that person accepting you for everything that you are.  If it is, s/he is always going to have to make sacrifices to accommodate for you.

Relationships are about compromises.

But when I'm continually being told That's just how I am, That's not who I am, This is just going to happen again, You're always like this--it makes me start to believe it.   It makes me believe things aren't going to change.  Or that I'm going to be the one that has to in order to makes things work, and it doesn't mean I'll be any happier during these moments, it'll just mean there will be less arguments.



It's the small, reoccurring things that eat away the value of things.

I told G. that if he didn't stop hitting me on the head with his projectiles, candy or not, I would come to the other side and smash his computer.

With his face.



He stopped.

I've started to become used to being pelted with candy by the boys from the other side of my cubicle.

Today, a balled-up napkin clocked me on head.

"Call me ♥.  925.324.xxxx"

Score.

Now I can order to-go when they walk to McDonald's.

The other day, Oas told me that grains were not meant for human consumption and that they were actually more unhealthy than they were beneficial for me, despite my weak protests about fiber.

Just when I thought  I was doing something right by eating oatmeal every morning.

I don't know what to do with my life anymore.

04/18/13 Greenwood Pier Inn

The ocean hugged the land of sand and waved us along as we cruise by.

There's something about ocean blues that can never be quite captured on camera, nor in memory, much less replicated in a crayon.  Blues and greens and inbetweens ripple across the water--an ever shifting, glinting glass of possibilities, catching light and reflecting life below.  As we gazed, lost in reverie, E.E. Cummings reverberated in the back of my mind, "For whatever we lose(like a you or a me) its always ourselves we find in the sea."

How lovely it is to watch the light fade from the day--cozy in the heart, cozy in your arms.

We found ourselves in a small town off the coast, a quaint place known as Elk.  Quiet and queer, it is here where we spent an afternoon wandering the shoreline collecting sea glass and exploring the spaced out settlements for items of interest...

Specifically, flourless chocolate cake drizzled in raspberry sauce topped with vanilla ice cream paired with oven fresh bread pudding soaked in strong, sweet whiskey syrup.

Two glasses of sparkling wine and a small parade of candles accompanied us in our hot tub, where we sat with wreathes of foam resting on our heads.  Soap bubbles winked in the light.

In the morning, breakfast was served.

And of course, we took another bubble bath.

Silly.

Sisters.

On the way back home from Emeryville...as Celine concentrated on the road, she blinked slowly and remarked, "One day I was stupid and drove to Hayward.  I took the wrong exit."

"Chantal the Snail Killer, feared across four gardens..."

Has learned how to cook garden snails.

It is time for a new reign of terror. 

Fortunately for them, I've developed a sense of morality during these past 6 years--I no longer lob them into the street and wager excitedly with my brother which moving vehicle will deliver the crushing blow of justice.

Dear Diary,

Yea, I got my breakfast.  Not before throwing a fit, ignoring him, huddling on the couch upstairs and eating the last slice of the crappy wheat bread before he came up and was like, "What are you doing?"

Then he tried to take away my wheat bread and when we were fighting for it, he had the gall to tell me to stop it because the crumbs were getting all over the place.

So I took my wheat bread and I went downstairs and to go to sleep because I was so mad.

Finally, he made me breakfast.

It only took five minutes of his time.

I told him "I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE."

And cried.

Because I was so angry he wanted to make me breakfast four hours after I told him I was hungry.

I didn't eat it to impress upon him the gravity of the situation.

But it made me even crankier because now it was my fault that I was hungry, so I cried some more.

And I told him to go to the gym and to go away.

But he wouldn't go to the gym and said he wanted to hug me and he told me he loved me.

So I went to sleep until 3 with him latched on to my back like a baby koala, which was kind of cute I guess, and when he went to the bathroom, I quickly ate the cha siu and the eggs he fried.

After he came out, I said I wanted boba, so we went to Tpumps and everything was ok again.

UNTIL FUCKING TPUMPS FUCKED UP MY DRINK.

IF I'M PAYING FUCKING $3.45 FOR A FUCKING DRINK WITH EXTRA TAPIOCA, I EXPECT MY DRINK TO BE FULL, NOT 3/4s FULL, YOU FUCKTARDS.

AND BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T CLEAN AND CAP THE DRINK PROPERLY, IT KEPT LEAKING ALL OVER ME.

THE ONLY THING THAT SHOULD BE LEAKING IS ME, AND I STILL HAVE TWO DAYS TILL THEN!!!!

♥.

R saved me macarons from Vegas :)

...But I accidentally sat on one on the way home :(

I ate it anyway :)

...And then crumbs fell down my bra :(

Making everything sticky sweet -__-

♥.

It's nice to know you still think of meee.

(Hard not to.  I've been bugging you about these for the past couple of times I've seen you HAHA).

Thank you :)

Spring Fling

Cheers for good music and good company

(minus the children).

800+ dubbers:  0 ODs

Dubstep, Trap, Hardstyle, Progressive

Hot shot Gen mcing for Audien.  

Ah, who am I kidding.
I'm not ready to let go of dubbing.

Th(ink) before you act.

I considered a tattoo today.

Well I didn't seriously consider it, but I was ready to act on it whimsically after seeing an old art classmate's work online.  It's funny because he's this tall, thin Chinese guy with floppy hair that keeps to himself--a sleepy kind of fellow; undoubtedly talented.  You wouldn't take him for one who would be in a metalcore band, much less being the screamer vocalist.  He's now become a professional tattoo artist.

No I do not want a scorpion on my bicep.

Clearly something is amiss.  I don't make spontaneous decisions that result in lifelong commitments.  

It's time to reevaluate my life.  

ESM. [Essentially a Stupid Mistake]

I was just approached by a core manager (he was an old classmate) from ESM for a future career opportunity in their company.

Instead, I grilled him on his company for over an hour and asked him what were their goals and how they planned to succeed--and then proceeded to give him a crude analysis and conclusion that based on the information he had to give me, they would fail.  I may have been a little too forward, but his incompetency was irritating me and he wouldn't give up. It's great that you believe in yourself, your company and its ideals.  I love passion.  Regardless, you still have to back your shit up once someone looks past the bandwagon and actually thinks about security.  

EDM/massives are not sustainable.  It is not something that is growing, even if it has gained more popularity these several months.  All of this is at its peak.

The only reason why ESM has made it so far within this past year is because the only people who go to their events are the ones that can't make it out or afford to go to actual massives.  Or are waiting for a massive.  People settle for ESM.  A company based on this fundament cannot grow in this manner.  Yes, you are trying to bring exposure to local DJs with "somewhat of a name", but realistically speaking, raves are not the hype.  Massives and mainstream DJs are.  That is what is in demand.  If Ruby Skye was selling $25 tickets to W&W and ESM was selling $25 tickets to a no name DJ with "somewhat of a name", which would you choose?  Fucking W&W, that's what.

Yes, we all have to start somewhere, but how are you going about it?  How will you compete with other event production companies such as TORQ, Midnite Events and Vital SC?  How do you compare?  What sets you apart?  What makes your company sustainable when it is based on a trend?

It went on and on.  He couldn't answer any of my questions, only reiterating their hopes and dreams.  Although I wished him good luck on their endeavors and made it clear that I was not interested in pursuing a career based on a declining industry that's based on increasingly derivative, shitty  music made tolerable/enjoyable/danceable by quality drugs, he said he would speak with me again once their office has been established.



God. Damn.
I know way more about this crap than I'd actually like to.

Relocation.

I miss looting the candy dish by receptionist's desk every evening before I leave work back at our old place. Sadly, that was the only highlight of my day and I didn't even like the chocolate that was in there.  Never again will I compete with Chef Fattie for the last of the peanut butter cups that L rations out so meagerly.  Blasted man.  They’re generic, for pete’s sake.  If you didn’t hoard them like they were so valuable, I wouldn’t want to take them so much.   

I still haven’t come to terms yet that they’ve relocated all of us into this miserable little room of an office next to a grocery store.  It used to be a laundry mat.  Granted, this move is only temporary, but I don’t exactly know how everyone will be able to deal with no boundaries for the next four months.  There are no cubicles--just ten desks crammed with tetris-like precision within 1000 square feet.  Someone has strategically placed the accounting desks inbetween two of the most difficult women in the company as buffers. 

My days grow weary.  

Most pain you can confide

But true sorrow is the one you hide.

Perspective.

As low moans and shrill shrieks pierce the halls,

The apathetic staff ignore their calls.

Vomit and feces thicken the air,
The scent clings closely, a cloak of despair.

I didn't recognize her sitting alone--
Skeletal and sad, flesh sagged over bone.

Thinning hair and rotting teeth
Adorn her body, no spirit beneath.

Her glazed eyes stared blankly at me,
She wondered who I could possibly be.

Dad said, We will take you home, we will take care of things, don't you worry,
I'm scared, don't leave, she begged, Please hurry.

He smiled and lied brightly he would,
While mother said quietly, We would if we could.

But the opportunity had long since passed,
And time with her had ended at last.

Don't leave without me, buy me a ticket, we will sit next to each other, okay?
Yes, of course, we can fly back together, one day.

There is no no true despair without hope
But this is how we choose to cope.

Thursday Nights

Cozy with the cutie.

There is a bum on my bum.

Leftovers, Youtube and pajamas.

So Dad "wants" a divorce.

And life goes on.

You know, I really hate it when my parents threaten to divorce each other for some reason or the other.  And then they let the rest of us know.  And then they end up staying together for some reason or the other. Repeat.

If you're going to be saying these things, about not wanting to be together anymore, you better be fucking serious about it.  Especially if you have children to consider.  And if both of you are going to constantly bring this shit up, then maybe it should happen because your relationship loses meaning and value each time it happens.  Real or not real?

Cover me.

Hot chocolate and cat therapy.

It's not that hard to be happy.

Love me ow.

Aldo is still the cutest.