People have a tendency to leave so much of themselves behind, their memories inadvertently seeping into your life as leftover words piled in the corners of your mind spill into conversations, becoming a part of you.
These constant connections made between what have been said and written by others blend together to form personal thoughts and ideas, none of which are truly your own. Yet, that is what makes human interaction so disarraying and beautiful at the same time--everything is salvaged and reused.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
The kitchen's fairly clean without my maintenance for once--someone's taken out the garbage and the recycling.
J vacuumed for the first time over the weekend.
S randomly dropped off dinner for me tonight, home-cooked.
My parents have been oddly obliging since that unpleasant talk on Sunday, which left my palms scarred the next day from violent, prolonged clenching.
E's coming to visit next Friday.
Things have been sorted out with M.
This has been a pleasantly surprising week so far, so why do I still feel so unhappy?
J vacuumed for the first time over the weekend.
S randomly dropped off dinner for me tonight, home-cooked.
My parents have been oddly obliging since that unpleasant talk on Sunday, which left my palms scarred the next day from violent, prolonged clenching.
E's coming to visit next Friday.
Things have been sorted out with M.
This has been a pleasantly surprising week so far, so why do I still feel so unhappy?
Mother,
How can you expect me not to worry when the only source of income that you have is coming from our two tenants, along with what your daughters are providing to support the family?
Under these circumstances, how can you expect me to focus solely on school and suggest that I quit my job?
I need an income. I'm worried about the family's financial situation, as well as my own. It's been three years. I've given most of my savings, including any extra financial aid I've had available to help out--I don't really have much anymore, not that I had ever made that much to begin with compared to Celine and Cristalle who worked office jobs while I toiled away, working laborious blue-collared jobs under ridiculous wages for the sake of "job experience." The numbers in my bank account glare at me accusingly now.
How and when will I be able to support myself on my own at this rate?
How can you expect me not to worry when the only source of income that you have is coming from our two tenants, along with what your daughters are providing to support the family?
Under these circumstances, how can you expect me to focus solely on school and suggest that I quit my job?
I need an income. I'm worried about the family's financial situation, as well as my own. It's been three years. I've given most of my savings, including any extra financial aid I've had available to help out--I don't really have much anymore, not that I had ever made that much to begin with compared to Celine and Cristalle who worked office jobs while I toiled away, working laborious blue-collared jobs under ridiculous wages for the sake of "job experience." The numbers in my bank account glare at me accusingly now.
How and when will I be able to support myself on my own at this rate?
Thursday, February 17, 2011
It's graphic, my apologies.
So last night, I experienced some painful cramping around 3am--after about half an hour, I passed a rubbery, pebbly, fleshy, dark tissue. Then the pain stopped.
What appears to be a piece of meat has fallen out of my vagina. Grounds for hysteria?
I think so.
That day, I realized that I needed more girlfriends. The few that I had (that might have had at least an inkling of an idea of what was going on), I couldn't reach. I ended up calling M because I didn't know what to do. I don't think he quite understood the situation, which is reasonable, considering that the only thing the boy knows about a vagina is that the penis goes in.
I started researching online for a diagnosis--which is never a good idea. Possibilities included potentially cancerous cervical polyps, a miscarriage, fibroids that caused pregnancy complications, giant ovarian cysts, and several other more terrifying things that induced extreme anxiety. Needless to say, I didn't get that much sleep.
The next morning, I made several phone calls. The nurse at the health center was very, very confused. Apart from a miscarriage (which was impossible), she didn't know what else it could be. I called the health center back home to speak to my assigned doctor. He explained to me that my uterine lining was falling away in pieces, which was nothing to be concerned about--apparently, this is relatively normal when you're on some form of birth control due to hormonal imbalance. He also told me not to be surprised if "loads more came out." This was something he did not find necessary to warn me about before he administered the shot.
I wanted to scream.
So last night, I experienced some painful cramping around 3am--after about half an hour, I passed a rubbery, pebbly, fleshy, dark tissue. Then the pain stopped.
What appears to be a piece of meat has fallen out of my vagina. Grounds for hysteria?
I think so.
That day, I realized that I needed more girlfriends. The few that I had (that might have had at least an inkling of an idea of what was going on), I couldn't reach. I ended up calling M because I didn't know what to do. I don't think he quite understood the situation, which is reasonable, considering that the only thing the boy knows about a vagina is that the penis goes in.
I started researching online for a diagnosis--which is never a good idea. Possibilities included potentially cancerous cervical polyps, a miscarriage, fibroids that caused pregnancy complications, giant ovarian cysts, and several other more terrifying things that induced extreme anxiety. Needless to say, I didn't get that much sleep.
The next morning, I made several phone calls. The nurse at the health center was very, very confused. Apart from a miscarriage (which was impossible), she didn't know what else it could be. I called the health center back home to speak to my assigned doctor. He explained to me that my uterine lining was falling away in pieces, which was nothing to be concerned about--apparently, this is relatively normal when you're on some form of birth control due to hormonal imbalance. He also told me not to be surprised if "loads more came out." This was something he did not find necessary to warn me about before he administered the shot.
I wanted to scream.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Do you want to lose weight?
Don't eat. At all.
It's really that simple.
Then it just happens.
After losing the first ten pounds, you don't feel it anymore. The next ten just breeze on by. When you reach a two digit number on the scale and you're only 5'3 like me, the process begins to slow down. Your body begins to compensate the loss by storing fat and conserving energy to delay starvation. As this continues, you gradually lose the rest of what you're left with. At this point you are extremely malnourished, tired, and even more depressed than you were to begin with.
When you're depressed, you don't do anything to make things better for yourself. Simply, nothing really matters anymore. You empty your mind and your body.
It starts off as a choice. You don't eat until your body starts shaking and you begin to feel light headed. But after awhile, you forget what it means to be hungry--hunger becomes just a concept.
It's all in there, in your head. That's why, as an observer, it's so difficult to understand a person in this mental state of mind. That's why it's so hard to fix--because the only person who can truly do it is yourself, and you have to want to be better in order to make yourself better. And this can be hard because the chemical levels in your brain may prevent you from doing so. That's what depression is--a lack of self will and purpose.
This is a reminder to self: Start by eating. Regardless of the condition you're in, remember that it's still a choice.
Don't eat. At all.
It's really that simple.
Then it just happens.
After losing the first ten pounds, you don't feel it anymore. The next ten just breeze on by. When you reach a two digit number on the scale and you're only 5'3 like me, the process begins to slow down. Your body begins to compensate the loss by storing fat and conserving energy to delay starvation. As this continues, you gradually lose the rest of what you're left with. At this point you are extremely malnourished, tired, and even more depressed than you were to begin with.
When you're depressed, you don't do anything to make things better for yourself. Simply, nothing really matters anymore. You empty your mind and your body.
It starts off as a choice. You don't eat until your body starts shaking and you begin to feel light headed. But after awhile, you forget what it means to be hungry--hunger becomes just a concept.
It's all in there, in your head. That's why, as an observer, it's so difficult to understand a person in this mental state of mind. That's why it's so hard to fix--because the only person who can truly do it is yourself, and you have to want to be better in order to make yourself better. And this can be hard because the chemical levels in your brain may prevent you from doing so. That's what depression is--a lack of self will and purpose.
This is a reminder to self: Start by eating. Regardless of the condition you're in, remember that it's still a choice.
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