Are You Expecting?

I don't know if these sudden feelings are a result of an alien desire normal people have called "expectations" (an earthly thing that tends to be responsible for most of the disappointments in life) or a raging imbalance of hormones--which, if the latter, is something that has become the bane of my relationship as well as existence, because really, when was the last time everything felt this retarded, melodramatic and hopeless without a clear reason?  I suspect I'm being double teamed.  Lord have mercy.

My brain has hardened while my heart has become soft, bleeding easily at the slightest provocation.  It's funny the extent of havoc (or enlightenment) such a tiny thing can wrought--all for the sake of not having to use a condom to bag the miracle of life. 

Fuck me.

Oh wait, don't.  See, with Depo, it kept you from getting preggers because pieces of meat would spontaneously rain from your vagina, and that same vagina would also, at the same time, release a steady stream of red throughout the three months it's in your system.  Unless you're a "Just Around the Riverbend" kind of guy eager to ride the raging rapids, most people aren't into that.  Now here on the other hand, this motherfucking pill makes everything hurt your goddamned feelings.  Even sex.  Well played Levora, well played.

But you know, regardless of this terrible newfound sensitivity rendered by the drugs, it is a certainty that I can't help wanting as much as I am giving.  That's fair, isn't it?  Lately I feel like I've been giving too much of myself away and I'm beginning to feel a little less and less.  I'm losing a part of me and I don't have enough to hold on to from what I am being given.

I've been slowly discovering though, emotions and intentions are not tangible things that can be so easily presented, much less allocated between two people.  The efforts of one who is trying cannot be measured or compared to the other who is doing, for the simple fact that they're two different things. And so, perhaps, it is a journey and not a destination--one that should be walked hand in hand.  I need to slow down.

Ai, this thing called love.  It burns.