Since E's been gone, I've been filling up my time by holing myself up in my own bedroom, being quiet. 

Funny how fast things can change, how unexpected life can be--it's nothing new.  Yet, it always comes as a surprise when it happens. 

I used to spend my days aimlessly chattering for hours on end with him during odd times, perched on the edge of his queen-size with his stuffed bear on my lap, pressed against my chest, my chin resting comfortably on his head.  The beauty of it was that I never remembered our conversations afterward--the topics themselves didn't quite matter, but the moments shared between them did. 

I remember one night I sat in the corner of his room, sipping a glass of wine and reading a textbook under the dim yellow light.  I tapped on the glass to keep tempo for him, while he furiously pounded on the keys of the piano, frustrated with the song he was playing.  I had to reread the chapters when I went back up, because I was so immersed in the music.  

Those days are over now.  His appeal didn't go through--apparently he's had a consistent record of maintaining a ridiculously low GPA.  He'll return from academic dismissal next Spring, provided that everything goes according to plan. 

When he first told me, it was such a blow.  We were in the kitchen, and I had just put on the kettle.  We sat down, and I made us both a cup of tea while we talked about it.  There were no tears.  After all, we never did blatantly show that we cared about each other, even though we obviously did.  Some days were more apparent than others. 

He was the only one that ever cleaned the kitchen with me.  If I cooked or baked, he would come out and at least keep me company, if not help.  He would indirectly tell me that he missed me by sending me texts late into the day, asking why it was so quiet in his room--how it was strange that no one had burst through his door yet to bother him.  Whenever I was unhappy, he would be there and try to make me feel better in little ways.  He didn't always know why I was upset, but when he did, he never offered any solutions--he just listened.  Then I would change the subject and that would be that. 

I had always thought to myself, well, when M leaves for Shanghai, at least I would have E to turn to--they both had similar qualities.  It's ironic how he ended up leaving me before M did.  He was the only other sane and logical person in this house who could take care of himself and other people.  Now I'm left alone to run the ship.  I've already accepted the fact that I'm also going to be the only one to clean it too, but that's not important. 

When I talked about all of this with M, he told me to find a new friend. 

Bah.