I have a tendency to creep about the house, crawling into the safety of closet corners to have myself a good sob during my down points (the insulation is excellent).  Today, however, I couldn't reach a closet in time, and spontaneously broke down on campus while on the phone with M . I sat myself on a ledge isolated from the main path, and listened to what he had to say.

There was another girl involved.  He used the word "attracted."  It sounded like something could develop.  It sounded very much like it would eventually, if they continued seeing each other.  Deep down inside, he may have felt the same way,even though  he assured me it would not happen.  He told me he would try to not see her as much in order to contain the situation.

I had always thought, if you truly loved someone, there wouldn't be an issue of being attracted to someone else--you wouldn't have to try so hard to keep yourself from being drawn to other people, because you already have someone you're content with. 

Is his heart content enough that it does not wander?  I'm asking if there is that stability that exists between us right now.

So many dashed hopes shadowed by good intentions.  I'm confused--my mind runs away with me, leaving behind a trail of free-flowing thoughts of worst case scenarios.  I have not jumped on to the fear-mongering bandwagon--I am driving it, and I am driving it like a madman.  Although, this may be due to the fact that I have depression from Depo, another one of its lovely side effects.

Fueled by heartbreak and hormonal imbalance, I couldn't help but to cry beneath the bright blue sky that mocked me with every cloud that passed by.  In my depressed state, I noticed a boy watching me, but I was too immersed in my misery to find somewhere more private to blubber.  He left and came back, tapping me on the shoulder, offering me a chocolate-filled pastry and his condolences for whatever had happened.  Fidgeting awkwardly, he said he hoped I felt better and that everything worked out in the end.  I sobbed hysterically, touched by his compassion.  Though, I think it scared him, because he mumbled a bit and left quickly after, not knowing what else to do.  Within moments of his departure, another stranger came and tried comforting me.  Apparently she had been observing me for awhile as well.  She left, but returned ten minutes later; she said, "You shouldn't have to be alone when you're crying like this.  You don't have to tell me what's wrong, but I'm going to stay here with you, is that ok? At least you know that you have someone who's there for you."  She sat there with me for half an hour. 

So in spite of it all--my loss of self esteem, sensibility, dignity, and stability--I made a new friend today.  However, she wants to take me to church.  She thinks the Lord can help me.

J, on the other hand, suggested that I turn to drugs.

...

Erlend Oye – Drop

 

My eyebrows are wonderfully immaculate (finally), while my reading has yet to be finished.

There's just something very satisfying about personal grooming during the most inappropriate moments.

People have a tendency to leave so much of themselves behind, their memories inadvertently seeping into your life as leftover words piled in the corners of your mind spill into conversations, becoming a part of you. 

These constant connections made between what have been said and written by others blend together to form personal thoughts and ideas, none of which are truly your own.  Yet, that is what makes human interaction so disarraying and beautiful at the same time--everything is salvaged and reused.

The kitchen's fairly clean without my maintenance for once--someone's taken out the garbage and the recycling.  

J vacuumed for the first time over the weekend.  

S randomly dropped off dinner for me tonight, home-cooked.

My parents have been oddly obliging since that unpleasant talk on Sunday, which left my palms scarred the next day from violent, prolonged clenching. 

E's coming to visit next Friday.  

Things have been sorted out with M.


This has been a pleasantly surprising week so far, so why do I still feel so unhappy?

Mother,

How can you expect me not to worry when the only source of income that you have is coming from our two tenants, along with what your daughters are providing to support the family?

Under these circumstances, how can you expect me to focus solely on school and suggest that I quit my job?

I need an income.  I'm worried about the family's financial situation, as well as my own.  It's been three years.  I've given most of my savings, including any extra financial aid I've had available to help out--I don't really have much anymore, not that I had ever made that much to begin with compared to Celine and Cristalle who worked office jobs while I toiled away, working  laborious blue-collared jobs under ridiculous wages for the sake of "job experience." The numbers in my bank account glare at me accusingly now.

How and when will I be able to support myself on my own at this rate?

Purity Ring - Ungirthed

 

Ears ringing

Teeth clicking

Ears ringing

Teeth clicking

Ears ears ringing

It's graphic, my apologies.

So last night, I experienced some painful cramping around 3am--after about half an hour, I passed a rubbery, pebbly, fleshy, dark tissue.  Then the pain stopped.

What appears to be a piece of meat has fallen out of my vagina.  Grounds for hysteria?

I think so.

That day, I realized that I needed more girlfriends.  The few that I had (that might have had at least an inkling of an idea of what was going on), I couldn't reach.  I ended up calling M because I didn't know what to do.  I don't think he quite understood the situation, which is reasonable, considering that the only thing the boy knows about a vagina is that the penis goes in.  

I started researching online for a diagnosis--which is never a good idea.  Possibilities included potentially cancerous cervical polyps, a miscarriage, fibroids that caused pregnancy complications, giant ovarian cysts, and several other more terrifying things that induced extreme anxiety.  Needless to say, I didn't get that much sleep.

The next morning, I made several phone calls.  The nurse at the health center was very, very confused.  Apart from a miscarriage (which was impossible), she didn't know what else it could be.  I called the health center back home to speak to my assigned doctor.  He explained to me that my uterine lining was falling away in pieces, which was nothing to be concerned about--apparently, this is relatively normal when you're on some form of birth control due to hormonal imbalance.  He also told me not to be surprised if "loads more came out."  This was something he did not find necessary to warn me about before he administered the shot.

I wanted to scream.

Nebulous - Bona Fat

 

Do you want to lose weight?

Don't eat.  At all. 

It's really that simple. 

Then it just happens.   

After losing the first ten pounds, you don't feel it anymore.  The next ten just breeze on by.  When you reach a two digit number on the scale and you're only 5'3 like me, the process begins to slow down.  Your body begins to compensate the loss by storing fat and conserving energy to delay starvation.  As this continues, you gradually lose the rest of what you're left with.  At this point you are extremely malnourished, tired, and even more depressed than you were to begin with.

When you're depressed, you don't do anything to make things better for yourself.  Simply, nothing really matters anymore.  You empty your mind and your body. 

It starts off as a choice.  You don't eat until your body starts shaking and you begin to feel light headed. But after awhile, you forget what it means to be hungry--hunger becomes just a concept.  

It's all in there, in your head.  That's why, as an observer, it's so difficult to understand a person in this mental state of mind.  That's why it's so hard to fix--because the only person who can truly do it is yourself, and you have to want to be better in order to make yourself better.  And this can be hard because the chemical levels in your brain may prevent you from doing so.  That's what depression is--a lack of self will and purpose.      

This is a reminder to self:  Start by eating.  Regardless of the condition you're in, remember that it's still a choice.

Unfortunately the howling winds from last night have continued their merciless plight on this poor town and its defenseless residents today.

I've resorted to loading my bag with heavy text books in a desperate attempt to anchor myself to this earth. As I struggle my way to class, masses of my hair attack my face, preventing me from avoiding frazzled bikers on the road, all of whom are in danger of being blown off their fragile contraptions.

If attendance wasn't required for my literature class (which is an absolute waste of time and an education), I would have stayed in bed, safe and warm from this aggressive weather that threatens the safety of my personal comfort with its permeating, chilly air.

Gavintoo - Over the Rainbow Remix

I've found that microwaving wheat bread from the fridge for thirty seconds before making a pb&j sandwich is a brilliant idea.

Spreading runny organic peanut butter and tart raspberry jam over its surface, the filling melts together and seeps through the pores as you sandwich the steaming slices of bread together. The best part is that the bread acquires a slightly glutinous texture from the unorthodox heating, becoming chewier in the process.

With the addition of rolled oats from the crust and an abundance of raspberry seeds in every bite, it makes this unremarkable sandwich a much more interesting meal when you've got nothing else better to eat.

I've just discovered that I really love baking peanut butter cookies. It makes the entire house smell of toffee, the warm air from the oven wafting the sweet fragrance into every room.

Since no one was home, I piled a dozen on a paper plate and walked around the vicinity, looking for someone to give them to.

After about what seemed like an eternity of wandering about, I finally found a random boy in the laundry room.

I don't know who was happier, him or me.

 After about half an hour of struggling with the curling iron, I have come to the conclusion that making your hair look nice(r) requires too much time, effort, and maintenance.  In other words, I lack the patience and will not attempt this feat again any time soon. 

Practice makes perfect, but my head can only stand so much heat before it burns to bits. 

(Note to Self:   Marinate tips in olive oil tomorrow morning for half an hour before showering.)

I'm sorry lover, but I think we're done.  It cannot be. I lack the passion and the commitment required of me to continue this tenuous relationship we've somehow managed to hold on to over these past couple of years.  I may have the interest and the talent, but we both know that there needs to be more.  I'm not right for you;  I'm not aggressive enough, not competitive enough to keep you.

We've grown apart--or rather, I've grown up. 

It's time to let go.  I need something more reliable; something that makes me feel a little more secure--something that can provide me with greater opportunities in the future, and that of which allows for a broader scope of interest.  Yes, there's someone else.  

Design, I've left you for English.  

It will be officially over tomorrow when I turn in my forms to be signed by the counselor. 

I hope we can still be friends.

::laughs::

So I read this to R and she started lecturing me for procrastinating.

"WHY ARE YOU WRITING A LETTER  TO YOUR MAJOR?!  YOUR MAJOR DOESN'T CARE!  IT'S NOT EVEN A PERSON!! YOU SHOULD BE STUDYING FOR YOUR MIDTERM TOMORROW!!!"

She has a point. 

Ok!  Off to study now.

As R sat there on my floor lamenting about his trials and tribulations, wearing his old clothes back from high school, a nostalgic feeling came over me.  

Although we haven't really spoken during these past several years, it was like nothing had changed--well, apart from his new facial hair, that is. 

Our relationship's still the same as ever.

...On the other hand, he's still a doormat.

A very nice, dorky, athletic girl who can appreciate him for who he is needs to come along and scoop him up.