I have a tendency to creep about the house, crawling into the safety of closet corners to have myself a good sob during my down points (the insulation is excellent).  Today, however, I couldn't reach a closet in time, and spontaneously broke down on campus while on the phone with M . I sat myself on a ledge isolated from the main path, and listened to what he had to say.

There was another girl involved.  He used the word "attracted."  It sounded like something could develop.  It sounded very much like it would eventually, if they continued seeing each other.  Deep down inside, he may have felt the same way,even though  he assured me it would not happen.  He told me he would try to not see her as much in order to contain the situation.

I had always thought, if you truly loved someone, there wouldn't be an issue of being attracted to someone else--you wouldn't have to try so hard to keep yourself from being drawn to other people, because you already have someone you're content with. 

Is his heart content enough that it does not wander?  I'm asking if there is that stability that exists between us right now.

So many dashed hopes shadowed by good intentions.  I'm confused--my mind runs away with me, leaving behind a trail of free-flowing thoughts of worst case scenarios.  I have not jumped on to the fear-mongering bandwagon--I am driving it, and I am driving it like a madman.  Although, this may be due to the fact that I have depression from Depo, another one of its lovely side effects.

Fueled by heartbreak and hormonal imbalance, I couldn't help but to cry beneath the bright blue sky that mocked me with every cloud that passed by.  In my depressed state, I noticed a boy watching me, but I was too immersed in my misery to find somewhere more private to blubber.  He left and came back, tapping me on the shoulder, offering me a chocolate-filled pastry and his condolences for whatever had happened.  Fidgeting awkwardly, he said he hoped I felt better and that everything worked out in the end.  I sobbed hysterically, touched by his compassion.  Though, I think it scared him, because he mumbled a bit and left quickly after, not knowing what else to do.  Within moments of his departure, another stranger came and tried comforting me.  Apparently she had been observing me for awhile as well.  She left, but returned ten minutes later; she said, "You shouldn't have to be alone when you're crying like this.  You don't have to tell me what's wrong, but I'm going to stay here with you, is that ok? At least you know that you have someone who's there for you."  She sat there with me for half an hour. 

So in spite of it all--my loss of self esteem, sensibility, dignity, and stability--I made a new friend today.  However, she wants to take me to church.  She thinks the Lord can help me.

J, on the other hand, suggested that I turn to drugs.

...

Erlend Oye – Drop

 

My eyebrows are wonderfully immaculate (finally), while my reading has yet to be finished.

There's just something very satisfying about personal grooming during the most inappropriate moments.

People have a tendency to leave so much of themselves behind, their memories inadvertently seeping into your life as leftover words piled in the corners of your mind spill into conversations, becoming a part of you. 

These constant connections made between what have been said and written by others blend together to form personal thoughts and ideas, none of which are truly your own.  Yet, that is what makes human interaction so disarraying and beautiful at the same time--everything is salvaged and reused.

The kitchen's fairly clean without my maintenance for once--someone's taken out the garbage and the recycling.  

J vacuumed for the first time over the weekend.  

S randomly dropped off dinner for me tonight, home-cooked.

My parents have been oddly obliging since that unpleasant talk on Sunday, which left my palms scarred the next day from violent, prolonged clenching. 

E's coming to visit next Friday.  

Things have been sorted out with M.


This has been a pleasantly surprising week so far, so why do I still feel so unhappy?

Mother,

How can you expect me not to worry when the only source of income that you have is coming from our two tenants, along with what your daughters are providing to support the family?

Under these circumstances, how can you expect me to focus solely on school and suggest that I quit my job?

I need an income.  I'm worried about the family's financial situation, as well as my own.  It's been three years.  I've given most of my savings, including any extra financial aid I've had available to help out--I don't really have much anymore, not that I had ever made that much to begin with compared to Celine and Cristalle who worked office jobs while I toiled away, working  laborious blue-collared jobs under ridiculous wages for the sake of "job experience." The numbers in my bank account glare at me accusingly now.

How and when will I be able to support myself on my own at this rate?

Purity Ring - Ungirthed

 

Ears ringing

Teeth clicking

Ears ringing

Teeth clicking

Ears ears ringing