So I received a bombardment of texts today from my sister after my final.  

"Mom and I cry everyday that we see Grandma.   It's really hard.  I woke up this morning to Mom crying. 

Mom wants me to tell you she is disappointed that none of you call or text her when she needs you the most.  She didn't come to Boston to enjoy herself.  Everyday we wake up early and leave the house around 10 to take the bus to see grandma and take care of her and keep her company until she goes to bed.  Then we take the bus home till around 8.  We have dinner late because that's how our relatives roll and sleep around 12. The latest we had dinner was 9:30! 

See?  She is even telling you herself that she wants her children to call her.  We really cry everyday.  You would too.  I fucking hate nursing homes.  No one should have to live like this.  This isn't even living.  This is a place where people go to wait.  Wait to die--to wait for loved ones who will never come.  They just want someone to visit but no one does.  That's why it's so easy for workers to recognize you if you come so often because no one comes at all.  All the old people just sit and stare at each other.  It's fucking depressing.  They have no one to talk to.  When we leave, Grandma will be like that.  That's why she waits anxiously for 12pm and 5pm each day.  To eat and stare around, then sleep.  Repeat.  That's 365 days a year when we aren't visiting.  2nd uncle and 3rd uncle who live close by only visit twice a week to bring her food and sit with her for THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES.  It's wrong.  They don't know anything."

And thus ensued, I guess you could say, an emotional breakdown, which involved a psychotic hour-long episode of hysterical sobbing and uncontrollable ranting to my other sister from beneath the safety and discretion of my umbrella in the rain.

I am not neglecting family due to inconsideration.  I am not insensitive to the suffering of my Grandma.  I am not unaware of the indecencies exhibited by my flagrant relatives who have blatantly made it clear to us and my Grandmother that they are waiting for her to die in order to inherit her wealth--these have been ongoing concerns this past year since she fractured her neck last Mother's Day and was forced to live in nursery home.  Every time I read the text my sister sent me about my Grandmother's condition, I tear up as well.  Of the children, I was the closest with my Grandmother. 

These 2 weeks since my sister and Mother have left have been/are my Finals' week.  I had/have 4 research term papers, each of 8 pages in length, to do on top of a last minute essay that one of my teachers assigned two days ago due today.  The Final for that class, which  also happened to be my most difficult final, took place today at 8am.  I was tested on 7 novels in addition to approximately 66 other essays, poems, and short stories we had gone over throughout the quarter, all of which we are expected to be intimately familiar with--so you can imagine the amount of studying required.  And you can imagine how well it did not go.  The remainder of my 3 Finals all coincide on the same day not too far from now, and 2 of them are scheduled back to back.  All of my Finals require further extensive essay writing. 

I could have called--that is undeniable.  There is no such thing as "not having enough Time" because it is a matter of how you balance it.  I understand the entire family's support is vital in the eyes of my Mother.  However, under this circumstance, I found it temporarily unnecessary to call due to the fact that my sister is with my mother, as she can more readily offer her the support and empathy needed from direct context of the situation regarding my Grandmother, as opposed to myself, who is physically and mentally set apart due to distance.

Because of this, I decided I could focus more on school for once, instead of trying handle all of life's trials and challenges like I've had to do in the past.  In high school, I  worked 36 hours a week during my junior year in an effort to relieve my parents of financial burden--back then, this was driven by a desire of self-sufficiency, not by necessity.  Since I have entered college, I have not been able to focus on solely on academics due to pressing family/financial circumstances after my Mother, who was the primary supporter of the family, was laid off.  I went through community college working from 20 hours a week to over 30 hours a week due to Mandy's rheumatoid arthritis, taking on her tasks as well as my own when she had difficulty moving, in addition to providing abiding moral support even when she displaced her misery and frustration on me.  My work environment, as well as my home environment, were both emotionally draining.  Due to my savings being depleted to help pay for family expenses, I secured a second job during that period, writing 50 blog posts a month for extra money in order to help support my family, as well as myself.  Within 1 month, I was given a raise.  Anything extra I had, including financial aid, was given to my Mother in an attempt to relieve her stress.  All of this was made possible due to my schooling being compressed into 3 days of the week, taking three-hour night classes throughout the course of this time.  Despite these circumstances, I earned a 4.0 twice and was able to transfer to Davis with an overall GPA of 3.67, which greatly surpassed the requirements of admittance.  Even at the event of my transfer, I still traveled back and forth practically every week by any means to fulfill Mandy's requirement to work15 hours during the weekends for half a year because she depended on me.  And this hasn't significantly affected my grades, even with the factor that this is my first year at a university based on a quarter system, which is much faster-paced than the semester system I was previously under, offering much less time to digest the hundreds of texts I'm required to read and analyze as an English major.

So Life, fuck you right back.  Obviously, I can do it if I have to.  I will endure and overcome when it comes down to it--and the reason for this is because of my Mother; I take after her in this way. 

This time, however, I felt I had an opportunity to pursue my own self interest.  My Mother had my sister to support her.     

Although this reasoning for not reaching my Mother's expectations is seeming justified by my situation at school, never less, it still conflicts with the family values I was raised with--that being, the prioritizing of sentimentalism over pragmatism.  Despite the reasonableness of the explanation given in regards to the temporary halt of the familial support expected from me, I am guilty--I personally feel guilty as well.  In other words, I am a failure, and once again, the detrimental idea that I tend carry in which I am never "good enough," is reinforced as a result.

I realize this is a very bad time to feel this way about myself. 

I should just focus on school.  But then again, it is precisely because of this mentality that I am in this situation with my Mother and my sister.


I think I'll just call and tell them that I love them.